Remember Me: Coping with Grief of Pet Loss
Last Updated on June 21, 2021 by Holly Anne Dustin
The pain of losing your cat can be devastating. Grief for your pet’s death is real. The second Sunday in June was established as World Pet Memorial Day over 40 years ago to give us the chance to remember and celebrate the lives of our pets that have passed on. Doing so can help us cope with pet loss.
Updated August 28, 2020.
More recently, award winning author, Deb Barnes, established the August 28th as Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day in 2015 in memory of her beloved Ragdoll cat, Mr. Jazz. Every year since, pet parents have had an opportunity to share their memories of beloved pets that have passed on. Sharing the pets that have meant so much to us can help ease the loss.
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Contents
Cope with Pet Loss
The death of a pet hurts as much as the death of an immediate family member but our society does not see it that way. The price we pay for the special bond between us and our furbabies is the sorrow when they die. It is important to understand that relationship to cope with pet loss.
Our cats give us unconditional love. Even when we’re not perfect. They see us at our weakest and our worst and love us still. There’s not much of that in the world.
Cats can live into their late teens or early 20s. Your feline friend will have been a part of your life for a long time. They will have been with you through significant experiences of your life. My Chester showed up on my doorstep one day after the first Thanksgiving my then fiancé and I shared together in our first apartment. He was with me through my marriage, moving 12 hours away to buy our first home, the birth of my kids, all of their childhood, and my divorce. He was the one I celebrated the good things in life with and his was the fur into which I cried bitter tears at the bad. When he passed away at the age of 24 it was heartbreaking for me.
Even if your furbaby’s death was expected due to old age or chronic illness, the loss of their constant companionship leaves a gaping hole in your heart and your life.
Give Yourself the Grace to Grieve for Your Cat
It disrupts the rhythm of your life when your cat dies. The touchstones of your days are missing. Not having to crack the cans open before the coffee is finished each morning, not having them waiting for you after work, or sleeping on your pillow at night are all constant reminders of your furry friend who is no longer with you. Everything just feels wrong. It takes time to adjust.
If you had a very sick cat that required constant care it leaves you at loose ends. You might feel relieved that they are no longer suffering, but also relieved that you have freedom from the chores of that care. It is common to experience guilt for feeling that relief, especially if you had to choose to euthanize your pet to end his suffering.
Even when you know in your heart it’s time to end their pain and suffering, it can put you at greater risk of extreme grief. It is important to remember, as Mr. Jazz reminds us in Deb Barnes Purr Prints of the Heart, when a cat is old or sick and in pain, they want us to let them go even though it breaks our hearts. Letting them go is our final act of love for them in this life.
Instead of focusing on the end of life, focus instead on the blessings you shared with your cat. You loved him with all the love you had within you and all that you could give. Forgive yourself for what you couldn’t do. Focus on the things that you gave to your pet and the special memories that you built together.
Give yourself time to feel and reflect. Take time out of the list of things to do, take some time off work if you can. Allow yourself to cry. It is normal, it releases stress and energy in a healthy way. Practice self-care, eating healthy and getting enough sleep will give you the strength to get through your grief.
Grieving for your pet does not show weakness. People who say that it does have never had a special relationship with a pet. Express your feelings in whatever way works best for you. Some people write, others draw, or play music or light a candle in their cat’s honor.
Griffin’s Heart is a book that can help you through the grieving process. It’s journaling and scrapbooking exercises will give you a special, personal keepsake dedicated to your furbaby and your relationship. You can learn more about the book in this review by our friends at fur everywhere.
Help Your Other Pets Cope with the Loss
Remember your other cats will react to your stress and emotional upset in addition to their own loss. Keeping their normal routines predictable will help them adjust to the loss of their friend. If they are extra clingy or are hiding under the bed, give them space to grieve and offer them extra support. Keep an eye on their health too, stressed cats tend to get sick more easily.
Shouldn’t I Be Over This By Now?
Our culture isn’t comfortable with death and dying. There is a “pull yourself together and get on with your life” attitude especially if the one who died was a pet not a person. People don’t come with casseroles. Most companies don’t have a bereavement leave policy for the death of a pet (though that is beginning to change.)
People don’t want to talk about it. The intense feeling of grief can leave a cat mom wondering if this is a normal feeling.
Grief takes the time it takes to heal. You can’t recover on someone else’s timetable. The loss needs to heal at the right time for you. A study of 82 people who had lost their pet indicated that it can take 3 months to 6 years. It was a small study. It could take longer for some.
“25% took between 3 and 12 months to accept the loss of their pet, 50% between 12 and 19 months, and 25% took between 2 and 6 years, to recover”
Messam, LLM & Hart, LA. (2019). Persons Experiencing Prolonged Grief After the Loss of a Pet. In Clinician’s Guide to Treating Companion Animal Issues, 267-280
Find Support in Your Grief
You have a right to your feelings. Someone you loved has died. Anger, guilt and depression are all normal.
Talk to friends and other people who understand what it is like to have lost a beloved pet. Stay away from people who will tell you “it was just a cat.”
Join a support group. Consider an online support group if there isn’t one in your area. If you find that isn’t enough, ask your doctor about medication or reach out to a qualified therapist that has an understanding of pet loss.
Our cats provide us with mental health benefits among others. Sometimes they are the glue that holds things together and when the pet passes away everything implodes. If you feel unsafe call the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) or a local crisis line.
Help a Friend Cope with Pet Loss
In this culture, people tend to keep their grief over losing a pet to themselves. I know when we lost Shadow I didn’t even want to post a remembrance on social media. It was just too much having already lost Midnight that month. I just didn’t want to hear it all again. But there are ways that we can help each other. Sometimes just reaching out with a virtual hug helps.
Here are some tips to help a friend cope with the death of her cat.
- Don’t say I know how you feel, say I can’t imagine how you are feeling. Can I help? You don’t really know how she feels after all.
- Offer to be with her during a hard time such as picking up the pet’s ashes or remembering the cat’s birthday for the first time after his death.
- Reassure her that she did everything she could and the cat knew he was loved.
- Talk about her pet, use his name, recognize how special he was and how close their bond was. Share your own memories of your friend’s cat.
- Honor the pet with a memorial gift. Make a donation to the rescue where your friend adopted the cat, or give her a remembrance book, a framed photo of her cat, or a small piece of pawprint jewelry.
Help Children Cope with Pet Loss
Honesty is the best policy is a good truth to keep in mind when helping children cope with the loss of a pet. Don’t tell your kids that their cat ran away or run to the pet store to replace that betta fish or hamster with a look-a-like and try to pass it off as the same pet. Respect the bond your child has with the pet. Let the child decide when he or she is ready for a new pet.
Pet loss is often the first time that children come in contact with death. Communicate the message in an age-appropriate way but keep in mind that young children might be frightened by the term “put to sleep” or confused by the suggestion that their cat “has gone to a better place.”
Sharing books like “Saying Goodbye to Lulu” or “When You Have to Say Goodbye” can be good resources for getting a discussion going with your child. For fans for Fred Rogers, he has a book on pet loss as well.
Start the conversation ahead of the moment if your cat is sick or very old. Make sure your child knows that pets don’t always recover no matter how hard you try. For older children, explain why euthanasia is the humane choice for your cat that is suffering without chance of real recovery.
Depending on the age of your child it might be appropriate to let them say goodbye, perhaps have a family goodbye day where your pet gets to fulfill their bucket list or do all their favorite things one last time.
Create a Legacy or a Memorial to Your Pet
There are many ways to create a memorial to your beloved cat. Choose something that is meaningful to you.
Closure is important not just to your children but to you as well. Hold a funeral or a memorial if that helps. Depending on where you live you can bury the pet at your home, or have them laid to rest in a pet cemetery.
If you have your pet cremated there are many beautiful urns and statues you can keep the ashes in. Some companies make jewelry to put ashes in or out of your pet’s fur. Alternatively, you can spread the ashes somewhere meaningful to you, maybe a particular area of the yard where your cat was fond of lounging.
- Planting a tree or a garden with a special marker.
- Plaque with pet’s paw prints and name inscribed.
- Shadowbox with mementos of the pet.
- Have the pet’s portrait painted from a photo.
- Get a tattoo that reminds you of the pet.
- Have a double made of your pet. Cuddle Clones are so realistic you might think your cat was in the room. Personally, a friend of mine who does ceramics painted a ceramic cat to look like my kitty for me.
- Make a donation in memory of your pet, perhaps to the rescue you adopted from, or a research group like the Winn Foundation.
This was a hard post to write. It was supposed to be posted for World Pet Remembrance Day but I just couldn’t finish it. I’ve cried for the pets I have lost like my Chester who was with me through so much. And for Midnight and Shadow and Kitty Pryde who all went over the Rainbow Bridge this year leaving more holes in our family.
But even more, I’ve cried for losses I have yet to experience. My heart and soul cat is 14. I tell people Treeno is going to live forever because I just can’t imagine my life without him. Looking at the beautiful memorial urns and garden stones or lockets to hold a bit of fur and a picture is killing me. I almost want to buy something now because I can’t imagine having to do it in the moment. I guess that is why people preplan their funerals when they get old.
Sources:
Death of a pet can hurt as much as the loss of a relative
Cultural stigma of pet loss and grief
Tips to heal your heart after the loss of your cat
6 ways to say I care to friends who have lost a pet
What to say to help a friend that has lost a pet
Help children who have lost a pet
